5 Character Traits of Most On-Site Returnees

As soon as dreamy eyed kid enters into one of the gazillion engineering colleges in India and looks up in the sky to see a jet flying in the skies, he pictures himself flying in one of those to Amreeka a few years down the line on an “on-site” visit. Joining an IT company and getting an on-site opportunity is the ultimate goal for most of these sheeps. It doesn’t really matter if they’re asked to clean the desks, every morning, at their client location or design & build the next big software to help the US Government clear their debts. As long as they get to go to the US, it floats their boat. Because,it is their holy grail, their makki di roti & sarson da saag, their reason for existence, their cappuccino with 3 shots of espresso, you do get what I mean..

I don’t have much against the idea as such. It helps people travel for free, get a chance to go to most of US tourist spots for dirt cheap, lets them post statuses of them “partying in Vegas”, “Awed by the Grand Canyon”, “Enjoying my first snowfall” or “Chilling in Florida”, post pics with bikini clad girls in their background, and basically give their “less successful” friends an immense inferiority complex. Good for them. It all starts going haywire when they are done with their assignment there and pack their bags back home. They, along with their new found antics, start becoming a pain in the posterior. So, before I become a pain up the posterior section of your anatomy, let me cut short on my relentless bitching and get to the point.

So, apart from an increased value in the matrimonial market, these are a few distinctly annoying character traits of these on-site returnees. I’m pretty sure anyone who has spent a reasonable amount of time in an IT company will be able to relate to these.

1 . Drinking Coffee in mugs: Now, this isn’t annoying per se, but the change in this aspect of their personality is, let me call it fascinating? They believe not using the paper cups that the free coffee machines in their office has to offer will help them in their pursuit of impersonating a sophisticated “US Return”. These mugs usually have “I <3 NY” or a Mount Rushmore photo imprinted on it. Their justification to it is “Dude, I’m being environment friendly here”. Oh yea? I saw you smoking a cigarette and throwing the stub on the road after you had done a bit of Graffiti on the neighborhood wall, if you know what I mean. So, STFU, “dude”.

2 . Random, Multiple Accents: Ok, now this is annoying. Personally, I firmly believe that it is next to impossible to naturally cultivate an accent after just a year or 2 of staying in the US. Well, I get it that you are in the pursuit of impersonating a sophisticated “US Return”, but will you stick to one accent to make it look a bit authentic? If you swing between a Mid-Western to a Texan to an Irish accent all within a few sentences, even Alia Bhatt can find out that you are faking it. Just like the last girl you were with was. BURN.

3 . The” Last time I was in” syndrome: “ Last time I was in New York, I was dazzled by the Times Square”, “Last time I was in Vegas, I won a fortune at the Ceasar’s Palace”, “Last time I was at the Death Valley, I was awed by its nothingness”.  These stories are repeated so often that they become a part of office folklore. Well, a couple of things. One, you have been there just once, so your “Last time” charades, is grammatically wrong. Secondly, the “last time” you were at the Niagara Falls, why didn’t anyone push you into it?

4 . They swear by the dollar: Heads to the sabzi mandi to get some potatoes, his wife has to listen to “Honey, we used to get potatoes for a dollar and 50 cents in the US”. Heads out for a drink with colleagues, “You know beer was dirt cheap in the US, you got a pint for 2 dollars”. Out for Diwali shopping with family, “Ah c’mon, we used to get a 50 inch tv for just 400 dollars in the US”. Ok, News Flash. We understand you were in the US, charming your clients with your antics. But now, you are in India. So, just stop, mate, because the only thing dollar about you currently is the brand of the undergarments you wear.

5 . Random spurts of Patriotic Fervour: I believe in giving credit where it’s due. Quite a few of these phoren returns tend to come back a bit more socially and politically aware. Despite all their shenanigans and the pursuit of the sophisticated US return look, deep down they tend to get a bit more attached to their motherland. How many times do we hear from them “Man, all said and done, it’s not quite like India there. Woh baat nahi hai”. They may still not do much shit about things, other than talking. They may still talk in pathetic accents and voice their US stories to anyone who would listen. But their heart gets a bit more Indian.

Anything else you guys can think of? The last time I checked, the comments section is the place to be for you.

Wabi-Sabi and 2 Sporting Legends

I recently came across Wabi-Sabi, which is a quintessential Japanese aesthetic or frame of thought. It is based on accepting and embracing transience and imperfection. Among many other things, it is the beauty of things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete. I couldn’t help but relating this to a couple of recent sporting stories. One that had The perfect ending, and the other which left people wanting.

November, 2013. The West Indies cricket team visited the Indian shores for a concocted test series that originated out of the blue, cutting short a mouthwatering showdown between India and South Africa. The reason being that Sachin was on 198 tests, had announced his retirement, and it was supposedly fitting that he get his farewell in his home ground, Mumbai. And quite conveniently, 2 test matches were scheduled enabling the Little Master to finish on exactly 200 tests.  

So, when it was all said and done (which didn’t take much time, thanks to West Indies’ abysmal capitulation), we had the customary lap of honour, trophies and mementoes from all possible organizations,  a truly emotional farewell speech, and a “why was this series played” trophy presentation ceremony. Sachin Tendulkar had called it a day with 200 tests and 100 international centuries to his name. Perfect numbers. The chase for which had a billion of us on the edge of the seat for a year or 2. The ending was perfect and beautiful, but not quite.

July, 2014. Wimbledon Finals. Novak Djokovic vs Roger Federer. It wasn’t quite the dream Fed-Nadal finals, as unknown Aussie teenager, Nick Kyrgios, played the game of his life to knockout Nadal in the Round of 16. But it was a dream that Federer and millions of his fans had chased together since the magical Wimbledon win of 2012. An 18^th Grand Slam and 8^th Wimbledon. It was just the Djoker lying in between the elusive landmark.

This Wimbledon, Federer was at his vintage best. The artist was painting the greens of the center court with the most delicate of strokes and elegance, as his foes felt the privilege of losing to him, one after the other. Federer had reached the finals with effeminate ease. But, that was to be it. In spite of a valiant effort, the artist couldn’t quite give the finishing touches to his canvas. The Djoker was at his gritty best, RFed was at his beautiful best. But that day, Endurance overcame skills; Doggedness overcame artistry; Djokovic overcame Federer. The number stays at 17 and 7. The picture of Roger Federer looking on as the events of the day unfolded with a solitary tear rolling down his cheek has to be among the most sadly beautiful moments in sporting history.

Federer knows who Sachin is. 

Now, both these sporting icons are legends of the game. Arguably the best ever to have graced their respective sports. One, whose story has come to an end, the other, who is probably past his best days in the sun. The twilights of both their careers have been a story of a chase. One chased the perfect numbers of 100 and 200, while the other is chasing one more Wimbledon, One more Grand Slam, after having reached close more times than one can count. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he never reaches that elusive, make-believe brass ring.

Yes, I say make-believe because Federer winning that 18^th Grand Slam, or rather not winning it will not make him any lesser a player than he already is. The chase for it and falling short is indeed sad, but if we look back, those are moments that will live with us forever.  

Similarly, Sachin not scoring that 100^th ton, or not finishing on 200 tests wouldn’t have made him any less a player than he already was. His 100^th ton was an abominable innings in a match against Bangladesh which we lost, and the 200^th test was against a weak team in a series that no one will remember with any fondness. The numbers are a testimony to his greatness, legacy and longevity. But the moments, not quite so. Personally, I would’ve preferred for him to finish on 99 international centuries or 198 tests, than be a part of a meaningless chase along with a billion of us.   

A sport is about moments, not chasing milestones and numbers. Don Bradman immortalized 99.94. Federer might end up immortalizing 17 (or 18, one more Grand Slam, please?), Michael Schumacher immortalized 7. None of these numbers are perfect. But they’re beautiful because they are flawed, imperfect and inadequate. The Japanese have got it right. Wabi Sabi should be the essence of life.               

All love lost.

Face down, twiddling thumbs, sweaty, clammy palms clasping each other, legs shaking in symphony with a pneumatic drill. Yes, Nilesh was a nervous wreck. He hadn’t rehearsed it, he didn’t believe in it. Nor was he someone who could come up with the most Shakespearean of lines in a flash to make her melt right in the corridor. He believed impromptu was the best and most truthful way to go about it. “What the fuck are you nervous for then, dumbass?”, Nilesh wondered, as he kept glancing down the hallway.

“ You’ve known her for a few months now. What’s with the hesitancy?”

“ Yea dude, but still.”

“ To hell with your But Stills. Just go and tell her already.”

“ Mmm Yea, I guess I should”

“ No guessing, do it man. You fancy her, you love her. Unless you say it out loud, you will be caught in that dark, desolate, distracting web of unrequited love. “

“ Mmm. Such fancy terms. But, What if?”

“ Oh Fuck your But Stills, and What Ifs”

“ Let me finish, dude”

“ Oh, there she is. Yes. Go ahead. Do it. DO It, DO IT. “

Nilesh, sweating like a pig and shivering inside, looked up. Piyali was indeed there, at the end of the corridor, walking towards him, with a couple of her friends in tow. There was a glint in his eyes, but an insurmountable jumpiness was taking him over.

“Oh Shit, This is happening. No, I’m not going to do this”

“ You fucking Idiot, you waited for this long. GO tell her”

“ No, No. No way. I can’t do this. Let’s get back to our den”

Just as he turned around to move his ass out of the place,

“No. You’re telling her today. It’s simple. Just ask her out. Just tell her that you fancy her, and would love to know more about her. It isn’t difficult”

“Oh, It is. It is. Just look at her man. She is perfect. I don’t stand a chance. She’ll probably laugh me off”

“ Don’t make stupid, pathetic conclusions. Tell her what u feel. For god sake, you are annoying me now”

“ Cmon dude, you can’t be serious. Look at her, she looks so fucking beautiful. And I, I look like a chipmunk that got run over by a herd of Migrating American Bisons.”

“ For the last time man, it doesn’t matter. You’re a nice guy, just tell her, man. You’ve got nothing to lose.”

“You know what. You might be right. I have nothing to lose. Thanks man. Let’s do it.”

So, Nilesh putting up a brave front, plastered his most confident face, took a deep breath, and turned around.

4 years later

“Hey Nilesh, what are you doing here?”, asked Piyali, with a dazzling smile.

Man, she is pretty, and perfect. Pretty perfect.

“Piyali. Good to see you. Nothing, just wafting.”, there was the same glint in his eyes. Things don’t change sometimes, do they?

“So good to see you, Piyali”, said Nilesh.

“Did you just say the same thing twice? You can be a hopeless idiot at times.”

“I know it, Nilesh. It’s always good to see me. Hey, I came to know that you have changed jobs a month back? Congrats man, I know how much you were brooding about it”, said Piyali, with that same bright, dazzling, genuine smile.

Wow. She remembers. She does give a damn about me. That feels good.

“ Hey thanks, Piyali. Yea, finally got a way around it. In a much better place now.”, said the “Caught in Piyali’s infectious smile” Nilesh.

“ Awesome. Alright then, I got to get moving. Work to tend to. I’ll see you around”, Piyali gave Nilesh a hug, and started walking away.

“ Tell her, man. At least now.”

“ Piyali !!”, Nilesh called out.

“ Yes?”

“Phew, finally. Good for him”

“ Nothing. It was good to see you today. Drive safe. Cya”, blurted Nilesh with a vain, little smile.

Piyali nodded, smiled back, waved her hand, and kept walking; oblivious to the unspoken, unvoiced, boxed love that Nilesh had in his heart for her.

Nilesh kept looking at Piyali walking away, till her shadows disappeared into the horizon. Then he stared into the emptiness some more. He gave himself a wry smile, shook his head and pinched himself on his insides, for yet another opportunity was squandered to let her know of his love. 

Yes. Things don’t change sometimes. And sometimes, they’re for the worse. 

An Open Letter to Fair and Lovely

Dear Fair n Lovely,

I had the chance to see your latest advert. Firstly, kudos for moving away from the “Rs.5 Crore” challenge, because it wasn’t just a recipe for disaster,the whole idea also seemed thoughtless. Also, how did you zero in on Yami Gautam as your brand ambassador? She is stunning and is one of the few, very few good decisions you have made.

Moving on, the new ad. Let me run it down for you. It starts with a dad-daughter pair finishing their morning run and the dad throwing the dreaded “Shaadi karlo beta” question (The daughter/main protagonist is dusky / brown). You guys finally decided to move out of that fairytalesque lab, which appears so bright and white that it might have gobbled up a month’s supply of Fair and Lovely, for all one knows. Good change that. The daughter throws the clichéd “But, I want to work, make a living” retort, dad goes on a “The guy I have found for you has all that” riposte. Daughter sulks and goes to meet her fairer than an “Irish on a gloomy, snowy winter day” friend, who else but Yami Gautam.

Yami does what she does best, plays the Fair and Lovely Card with that quirky smirk, and asks her friend to accept her dad’s proposal & marry. Then, we have the “La laa laa la laaaaaaa” background music, as the daughter walks with an unbelievable confidence and strut in her walk. The daughter is now looking like she underwent a "Vanilla Ice Cream & Snow concoct" facial, the radiance is unreal. She tells her father that she is ready for marriage, but after 3 years, when she is as successful as her would-be husband. The father is awed by his daughter’s new found confidence and is rendered speechless, her mother gives a wry smile, and the daughter walks back, beaming, midst the “la laaa la laaa laa” BGM.

Whew. You guys seem to have put some serious thought into it. Now, let me not play the Racist card. I believe you have had to face quite a bit of that backlash, and I have myself made a sly racist comment earlier in this letter. So, better I stay away from it. I understand that yours is a fairness cream, and you need to propagate the idea of fairness as a plus through your ads. I understand that you cater to the Indian Market, which has an unhealthy fetish with fair skin. Nevertheless, what I don’t understand or like is, why you need to do so at the behest of the “Not so Fair” people.

It is okay to show a fair skinned person as confident, brave and outspoken. It is not okay to show a dusky person as under-confident and easily flappable. It is okay to show a fair-skinned woman as the most sought after chick in college/office. It is not okay to show a dark-skinned woman being ridiculed by guys because of her skin colour. It is okay to show a fair skinned woman making a guy fall heads over heels on first sight, and get on his knees straightaway. It is not okay to show a dusky-skinned woman being asked by her friend to use a fairness cream, and get fair in order to get the guy of her dreams.

I get it that, this particular stereotype has always existed in the consumer’s minds, and it is not something that you guys created. But wouldn’t it be better that as a socially conscious brand (as evident from your Fair and Lovely Foundation initiative), you work towards eliminating stereotypes and not acknowledging and leeching on it? Food for thought, maybe.

I know enough people who aren’t exactly what you would call fair, but are amazingly lovely and confident folks. And they most certainly aren’t from the “Fair Skin equals beauty, success and confidence” school of thought. So, It would be really nice if you give your ad guys a bit of a jostle and ask them to come up with something better and less stereotypical. You guys need to be a bit “fair” now, don’t you?

Cheers,

Me

P.S – Yami Gautham is awesome. Please don’t change her.