What If EPL went the IPL way?

The IPL has a new team, or rather a refurbished team. SunRisers Hyderabad. Yes, a highly ridiculous name for a Sports Team, but they kind of made up for it with their Logo. The IPL menagerie will continue to have 9 teams and will continue to be 2.5 decades long.

The auction is scheduled for Feb 3^rd when 37 players will go under the hammer. That’s a pretty good way of putting it because I feel that’s exactly what happens to the player’s dignity when teams bid for them. It gets hammered. And the players who are left unsold, its one solid hit right on the middle of their head with a Huge hammer.

I got this random idea the other day. What if the Barclays Premier League were to be remodeled based on the IPL? What if say Sir Alex Ferguson did a Lalit Modi? What if the UK wanted to get rid of the highly structured and Century old League Football structure and make way for a more snazzy, sexy, youthful Carlsberg UK Premier League? Sounds fun right?

Lets look at how things would have shaped up in the Carlsberg UK Premier League :

• Clubs would be named Manchester MoonWalkers, Manchester Super Fakers (The Other Manchester club i.e.),Chelsea Knight Sackers, Liverpool Historians, Arsenal Untitled, Tottenham Daredevils etc.
• The team mascots would be people like Robert Pattinson, Jude Law, Kate Beckinsale, Daniel Radcliffe etc.
• "You Will Never Walk Alone", "Glory Glory Manchester United", "Good Ole Arsenal" etc will be replaced by crappier theme songs with Robert Pattinson dancing in it. 
• The cheerleaders will be actually Hot.
• Vijay Mallaya would have tried to bid for a team just because he can (Or Can he?).
• There will be a camera fitted into the football to help viewers get into the game. Lets name it the FootCam.

Players & Auctions  :

• Lionel Messi will be the most sought after player, but he will withdraw from the auctions because he likes only “Pure” Football. No Messi = No Xavi, No Iniesta. 
• Cristiano Ronaldo will hence finally become the most sought after player for a change, and will finally get the money he thinks he deserves. Balon d'or will continue to be just a dream though.
• David Beckham will make his comeback to English football as an Icon player for Manchester MoonWalkers.
• Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs will be the other Icon Players.
• Arsenal Untitled will do a Rajasthan Royals and bid only for young English talent. Paolo Maldini will be their Icon player.
• Mario Balotelli will command the highest price for reasons unknown (When Jadeja can, why not Balotelli).
• Players like Andy Caroll, Kieran Gibbs and other young English talent will become the flavour of the nation after performing in one match. Equivalent of the Yusuf Pathans and Manish Pandeys. 
• Internationals like Samir Nasri, Robin Van Persie, Ibrahamovic will have a standoff with their national team because they don't want to miss the UPL for International commitments. Money Matters for them.
• Players like David Seaman, Alan Shearer, Roberto Carlos, Roy Keane, Cafu will come out of retirement hoping for a 2^nd Football life. They will play the first season and will continue as a "mentor" for the remaining seasons.
• Fernando Torres will still be shit. 

Changes in Rules :

• Football will now be played in 2 halves of 30 minutes each. A shortened format increases interest level doesn't it?
• A goal scored from outside the box will equate to 2 goals.
• There will be a strategic timeouts after the 12.5 and 25 minute mark of each half.
• Substitutions will now be made on the fly.
• A goal of a corner will be called an O2 kamaal goal.
• A goal of a free kick will be called Coca Cola Stunner goal.
• A penalty will be Barclays moment of success.

Fan Reactions :

• The usually loyal English football fans will now start supporting teams based on their favourite players and not their own city.
• The elderly fans and purists will start blaming the Carlsberg UPL for demise of classical football.
• The English national team fans will now have a certified excuse to cover up their national team’s ineffectiveness. “Too much of UPL has made the players money minded, They are just not committed”

What else would change in the EPL? Comments please !!!!